failure to disconnect

I have been crying a lot lately. I think I cry, or come close to crying almost every day. I cry about everything and nothing. I cried at work today. I cried while watching The Incredible Hulk. I cried in my car while listening to Derek Webb. It seems like everything I feel is terribly close to the surface lately. I feel isolated, overwhelmed, and completely vulnerable.

I feel like you could break me with a single word.

But in the midst of all this brokenness, I have found a new strength. I have found the strength to resist the temptation to fall back on old habits and old sins. I have found the strength to take criticism, advice, and praise; and the wisdom to put it all in perspective (most of the time). I still need to learn how to ask for help. I still need to learn that it's ok for people to know that I need them. I still need to learn to be more gracious. I still need to learn how to trust. My path seems difficult at times, even insurmountable; but with the grace and love of God I am able to take it one step at a time.

Through all my faithlessness He has been faithful. Even when I thought I could never come home; He continued to call my name. I know that I will be able to handle everything that lies ahead. I know that God is there, even when it seems like I am alone...I just don't always feel it.

It's so easy to be open here. It's almost as if I'm talking to no one. I can tell you about my fears, my struggles, and my small victories. I can pretend that no one knows. I can hope that someone cares. I can pretend to make real connections. I can feign indifference when the real connections don't happen. I can be embarrassingly honest without having to see the look on your face when you read this.