failure to disconnect

I have been crying a lot lately. I think I cry, or come close to crying almost every day. I cry about everything and nothing. I cried at work today. I cried while watching The Incredible Hulk. I cried in my car while listening to Derek Webb. It seems like everything I feel is terribly close to the surface lately. I feel isolated, overwhelmed, and completely vulnerable.

I feel like you could break me with a single word.

But in the midst of all this brokenness, I have found a new strength. I have found the strength to resist the temptation to fall back on old habits and old sins. I have found the strength to take criticism, advice, and praise; and the wisdom to put it all in perspective (most of the time). I still need to learn how to ask for help. I still need to learn that it's ok for people to know that I need them. I still need to learn to be more gracious. I still need to learn how to trust. My path seems difficult at times, even insurmountable; but with the grace and love of God I am able to take it one step at a time.

Through all my faithlessness He has been faithful. Even when I thought I could never come home; He continued to call my name. I know that I will be able to handle everything that lies ahead. I know that God is there, even when it seems like I am alone...I just don't always feel it.

It's so easy to be open here. It's almost as if I'm talking to no one. I can tell you about my fears, my struggles, and my small victories. I can pretend that no one knows. I can hope that someone cares. I can pretend to make real connections. I can feign indifference when the real connections don't happen. I can be embarrassingly honest without having to see the look on your face when you read this.

Let's all play the glad game

On the way to work this morning I saw a cyclist with Cerebral Palsy. There was something about him that was so beautiful. I can't describe it, or explain it, so I won't try. But he was beautiful.

I long for that kind of beauty in my life.

I saw Avenue Q last night. It was a lot of fun. But there was one line in the final number of the show that really go me thinking.

"Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside..."

I found it disconcerting. It got me thinking about satisfaction, learning to be content. Am I supposed to go around always wanting more? On one hand that could be what drives us to grow, to further ourselves, to accomplish things. I am having a hard time right now with contentment. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, I have so much in my life that is wonderful, I have so much ahead of me as well. And yet, I am not satisfied. I am wanting more. But this dissatisfaction does not drive me; it eats away at me.

So every time I get upset about something. I think of Pollyanna, and I play the glad game. Sometimes, it's feels like a lot of work to find something to be glad about. But everyday I get a little better at it.

I might get crutches instead of a doll, but I can still be glad that I don't need to use them.