me and my thighs

I have a trainer now.

He tells me what exercises to do, and how many calories I should eat, so that I can be not fat when I stand up in my cousins wedding this coming July.

When I first met with him, I told him I didn't want to get too skinny. I don't think that it was necessary for me to say that, since I am pretty sure that I will never get too skinny. I don't think I'm capable of thinness.

I was watching tv and, I can't remember what the show or film was, but there were two women, and one woman told the other "Just remember, nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

LIES!

Clearly, that woman knew nothing about food. There are plenty of things that taste better than the feeling of thinness. Milk Caramel Digestives for one, Black Forest Bacon, Risotto...Molten Chocolate Cakes...those little things are better than...well, better than a lot of things. Most definitely better than thinness.

Jonah Days

I had a massage yesterday. It was awkward. I'm so tense that I hardly felt anything. I kept trying to relax, but I just started tensing up again the moment I stopped concentrating on relaxing. I think that my shoulders feel even more tense today.

I've been trying to work on relaxing and not worrying. And I'll think that I'm doing pretty well. I'll feel pretty good about things, I don't feel overly stressed, and I'm able to sleep at night. So everything must be fine. But I'll still walk around with my shoulders pulled up to my ears, thinking about all these little things that shouldn't matter. I'll still let worry creep into my day. I still sit around waiting for a disaster.

If I could just turn off my brain for a few hours it would be lovely. But it's always running in three directions at once, I think about three or four different things all at the same time, try to figure out how a and b connect, and whether I should worry about c, and then along comes something completely unrelated like the fact that I think my hair is turning gray.

I've been spending a lot of time overloading my senses to try and give myself some silence. I'll put on the tv rather loudly, and play Mario on my DS with full sound, and throw a ball around for my dog. And for thirty seconds I'm completely occupied and unable to think about anything else.

I try to let go of everything. I try to stop myself before I start. To give it all up. I pray about it. I say that I want to let go of it. And really, I do. But then something will work it's way slowly into my day, and I'll find myself stressing out about the stupidest things.

As much as I try so hard to be indifferent, and to tell myself that I am confident and content, these small insidious fears creep in and disrupt my day. Maybe I should not have said that. Maybe I was too brash. Maybe I told you too much. Maybe I didn't tell you enough. Maybe I should just crawl under a rock and never come out.

And even though I know that I am happy, that I am safe, that I am loved; I let these "what ifs" and "well and if I coulds" slip in and slowly take over, so that I am panicking about nothing.

A twitterpated fool

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself. I don't really have much courage. I am strong in a lot of ways, but I am not very brave. I do not have the courage to do what makes me happy. I do not have the courage to say the things I know I should. I cover it up with a lot of double talk and seeming nonchalance, but it really just comes down to the fact that I am a coward.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain. I wish I could sit for a few hours and just have white noise. I don't always want my thoughts tearing into five opposite directions and simultaneously coming to five different conclusions. I had an acting teacher that used to tell me I was too smart for my own good. I think about that sometimes.

Sometimes I think that the risks I have taken have all been the wrong ones, and maybe we only have so many times in life where we're willing to risk it all and see what happens. I think that I might have wasted mine on things of little consequence.

Sometimes I think that if I could just sit around a read for the rest of my days I would be most content. People in books are so much nicer. You can almost always tell what they are going to do before they do it, if they become frustrating you can just shut the book and walk away from them, and they are alway there when you need them.

Sometimes I don't tell what you what I mean, and I mean everything I don't say.

Thinking Thoughts

I want to take life slowly.

I want to go live in Mexico for at least a year.

I want to experience France too.

I want to not fall in love again.

I want to grow my hair long.

I want to do it right this time, and stick to the plan.

I want to savor this moment.

I want to avoid you.

I want to make them laugh at things that make me cry.

I want to sing for you.

I want to write until I can't feel my fingers anymore.

I want to pretend I never felt that way, even though I still do.

I want to ride my bike to the end of the path, and then keep going.

I want to live in London for as long as I possibly can.

I want to believe that it's all possible.

I want to see the beauty in it.

I want to make sure that it means something.

I want to wear plaid again.

I want to have pink hair.

I want to pierce something.

I want to live my life like a Musical.

I want to hold hands and link arms like we used to, without caring.

I want to believe that in the end, I'll end up where I'm supposed to be...

Dios bendiga la familia Carrera

I had a big family wedding in Indiana this past weekend. I wasn't really excited about going, it was four hours away and I didn't want to deal with being around everybody for two days, but I ended up having a really good time.

My Uncle Bill used to tell me "You might give up on the family, but the family never gives up on you." I always thought that it sounded like a cheesy line from a mob movie, and it kind of does, but this weekend I finally understood it.

Growing up sometimes you don't always get along, you get embarrassed, you get annoyed, you get angry, but, family is family and there is nothing that can change that. Over the past few years things have changed. Cousins that I always used to fight with have become friends, cousins that I never really knew have become confidants, my aunts and uncles have become people that I share interests with, the people I used to avoid I get excited to see.

There were so many moments this past weekend when I realize just how blessed I am to have so many people that love me, each other, and the Lord. I spent so many years taking them all for granted, and now that I'm thinking about moving away in a few years I see how much I would miss them all.

Everyone that came to the wedding stayed at the same hotel, we had pizza last night as a big group and the cousins and our friends (who might as well be family) went and played Rock Band till an obscene hour and then everybody stumbled out of bed this morning and we all had a big breakfast together. It was so neat to look around the room and see everybody sitting around talking and laughing, to sit with my cousins till everyone else had left for the pool and just talk about nothing. We aren't perfect, and we don't always do things the right way, or say the right things, but we get by ok.

My Uncle George came and took a picture of a group of us as we were sitting around after breakfast, and it just struck me how close we all are, without even trying to be, sometimes maybe even without wanting to be. It felt like an episode of Boy Meets World; even though George III had already left.

I never thought I would be the kind of person who would be so into my family, but it turns out that I am. The past two years in particular have made me realize just how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them.

Joyful Jumping

Last week was a good week. Beyond good, really. Amazing even.

There were so many moments when I just felt so completely that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was meant to do right then. I lived in the moment I was in. It had been a while since I'd done that. It was shattering, in the best possible way. The girls were amazing, and I learned so many little lessons, and God showed me so many wonderful things.

When I'm depressed I forget how important it is to live a joyful life. Not always happy, but always joyful. I'm working on holding onto that.

I was scared to come home, scared that everything would be too real and too big again. But everything has been falling into place. All the big scary problems are becoming smaller and more manageable, and I am remembering that His grace is sufficient. I am finally finding the place I've wanted to be, after years of struggle and faltering.

It's an amazing feeling.

I'm living in small moments of amazement and wonder.

failure to disconnect

I have been crying a lot lately. I think I cry, or come close to crying almost every day. I cry about everything and nothing. I cried at work today. I cried while watching The Incredible Hulk. I cried in my car while listening to Derek Webb. It seems like everything I feel is terribly close to the surface lately. I feel isolated, overwhelmed, and completely vulnerable.

I feel like you could break me with a single word.

But in the midst of all this brokenness, I have found a new strength. I have found the strength to resist the temptation to fall back on old habits and old sins. I have found the strength to take criticism, advice, and praise; and the wisdom to put it all in perspective (most of the time). I still need to learn how to ask for help. I still need to learn that it's ok for people to know that I need them. I still need to learn to be more gracious. I still need to learn how to trust. My path seems difficult at times, even insurmountable; but with the grace and love of God I am able to take it one step at a time.

Through all my faithlessness He has been faithful. Even when I thought I could never come home; He continued to call my name. I know that I will be able to handle everything that lies ahead. I know that God is there, even when it seems like I am alone...I just don't always feel it.

It's so easy to be open here. It's almost as if I'm talking to no one. I can tell you about my fears, my struggles, and my small victories. I can pretend that no one knows. I can hope that someone cares. I can pretend to make real connections. I can feign indifference when the real connections don't happen. I can be embarrassingly honest without having to see the look on your face when you read this.